The Secret to a Happy Marriage/Relationship –Lean into The Tough Conversations

How many times have you heard the question…”What’s the secret to a good marriage?” You’ve probably heard this or thought about it 1000 + times. How often have you heard an answer that makes sense to you? If you’re like me (and I see couples all the time), rarely! The dreamy answer of  “Never go to sleep mad” lingers with me in a romantic kind of way; but then I think about all the people who are up all night because they don’t want to go to sleep mad and then my brain gets fuzzy and I get fuzzy and my brain jumps to a new topic. Then, I’m left one more time with no answer to this burning question.

 After many, many, ma (I get 1 “many” for every 10 years) of practice & training, I have settled on a few things when it comes to marriage / relationship:

1. All marriages go through tough times. This isn’t saved for the crappy ones.

2. When marriage / relationship gets hard, this isn’t a universal indicator that it’s time to bail.

3. Divorce / separation doesn’t end pain. It just morphs it for a while.

4. Never going to sleep mad takes super human determination that may be only available to superheroes & cheesy movie characters.

5. Couples feel more understood and connected when they talk (to each other :-).

In the beginning, of a relationship, we’re often more generous with our time and more thoughtful with our words. But, there are times in all marriages when things get tough, when we want to run away. So what do we do? We go silent, we fight and sometimes, we run away. This strategy may work a few times, but it’s not the recipe for a “Happy Marriage”.

It turns out that happiness is only sustainable through connection and conversation. To be heard and feel known - to be understood by the person you love, that creates happiness. 

When a topic is tough or times are hard, you may find yourself avoiding significant conversations in your marriage. You find yourself “leaning out”. You can’t bear the discomfort, the sadness or maybe the anger. So, you wall off and over time disengage, maybe just one topic at a time until you feel alone in your relationship. (And this is where trouble can come knocking.)

The statistical research on couples shows, and I see it everyday in my practice, that the greatest indicator for success in a marriage / relationship is the couples’ willingness to have tough conversations. The willingness to “lean in” to the discomfort; take a chance; to move slowly. When couples “lean in” to the tough conversations, they are essentially saying to their loved one: “I care about you / us so much that I’m willing to take a chance, a roll of the dice – that we’ll find our way through this and be strong on the other side.” It says “I have your back and I don’t want you to feel alone in this world.” It says, “You’re worth it. We’re worth it”

So the next time you hear the question, what’s the secret to a happy marriage? And you hear the answer “Never go to sleep mad,” you can interpret that to mean: don’t clam up and ignore the tough stuff. Don’t “lean out” when things are hard. “Lean In” to the tough conversations; the rewards are immense.

What's Visual is Memorable

The picture by my computer- a reminder to "breathe."

It’s well established that using visual cues is a powerful tool.  People who have the most success achieving a goal, changing a habit or creating a new way of being keep their thoughts focused on that goal. They don’t rely on their memory; they rely on reminders…and lots of them. They use pictures, words, colors or objects that are representative of their goal, and they put them everywhere.

Imagine: wanting to be more patient in your relationship with your kids. You have to visualize it regularly and practice. But life is busy and mostly, you forget. Except when there’s drama and then you feel anxious. Then you practice for a few hours before your brain monkey jumps away to the next topic. Soon enough you feel hopeless and helpless. This is exactly what most people do.

Now imagine: wanting to be more patient in your relationship with your kids, so you pick a picture that reminds you of patience or a color or simply the word “patience.” You copy this 10 times and you put it on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, the dashboard of your car, the screen of your iPhone and your computers, your Daytimer(do you still use one?) and on your bed stand. Every time you see it, you’re reminded to visualize your goal. And you see it a lot. You practice a lot. It’s front and center of your psyche a lot. You don’t easily escape it with the monkey jump. It’s in your face all the time.

Before long, your thinking about this even without the visual cues. It becomes engrained in your brain and part of your daily thought process.

Try it! I’ll bet you a shiny quarter it works!

Reframe it and Embrace it!

I was listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR recently and Neil Conan was talking to Ellen Langer whose books include Counter Clockwise: Mindful Health and the Power of Possibility and Mindfulness and The Power of Mindful Learning.

A man called in and said that he uses mindfulness as a way to change a negative experience into a neutral or positive experience. He gave the example of cleaning the bathroom. He said that when his wife asks him to clean the bathroom, instead of saying to himself “I have to clean the bathroom” –ugh, he reframes it and says “I get to clean the bathroom.”  He explained that he consciously considers all the people who don’t have their physical health and can’t clean, who have lost their homes and don’t have a bathroom to clean or (my addition) have lost their spouse who might have asked them to clean.  Suddenly, it becomes a chore of appreciation rather than an irritating request by a spouse. 

I wonder how you can reframe things in your life and relationships; it can reduce external and internal conflict and may bring you some surprising peacefulness.  I reframe my teenager’s messy rooms all the time. I think:  it’s not that they’re showing disrespect to me, it’s that they’re not insecure and anxious to please others and they’re relaxed enough with me to let me see their “real” selves. See how this works ;-).

Secure Attachment = Happier Relationships.

Secure attachment, answers these questions in the affirmative; “Do I matter to you? Will you be there for me if I fall? Will you hold my hand if I'm sick?" According to Dr. Sue Johnson, secure attachment is a natural element in healthy relationships. 

Think of happy children. They have secure attachment to their parent(s).

However, without secure attachment in our intimate relationships, the alarm system in our brain  continuously goes off, causing us to feel “in danger.” This alarm signals the rest of the body to be on high alert, to fight or flight. Our response to this internal warning may be to become demanding and clingy or withdrawn and detached from our significant relationships. However, at the core we're yelling, "I need you, please be with me" or  "I’m going to protect myself and I won’t let you hurt me."

Lack of “secure attachment” can be the cause of many presenting issues that walk through my therapy practice doors. It drive people to marriage & relationship counseling and individual therapy. But,  it’s often disguised as something else: anxiety, worry, fighting or depression.

Often when couples and individuals come to therapy, they ignore their normal human need to be emotionally close, as this might somehow define them as co-dependent, needy or weak. Instead they focus on the actions or re-actions that present from their insecure attachments ie. anger, fighting, bad communication, anxiety or depression.

Once we understand the importance of our attachments, we can begin to make significant changes in our life and relationships.